It's been a few years since I've last written a blog post. It was actually right after my little boy Huck was born. I've gotten on and written several posts since then, but just never posted them. Honestly, it scares me. Lately my feed on FB and Instagram have been full of moms posting articles/ talking about motherhood. Things like #fedisbest, mommy guilt, and all of the general woes that come along with parenting, and I love it! I love reading other people's stories, and reading articles full of advice on how to tackle the hardships of parenthood. So I'm going to do it. I'm going to share my story. I'm hoping that once I finally share it and get it out there, I can find some form of healing.
This is my story.
Just a week before Jake and I were going to be celebrating our 1 year anniversary I found out we were expecting! I had a gut feeling I was pregnant, so I took the test, and I was right! The excitement and pure joy that over came me is a feeling I will never forget. I ran outside and ran around our house a few times because I couldn't contain my excitement! It was a few hours before Jake would get home from work so I ran to the store, bought a onesie and wrote on it "You're going to be a daddy!" When Jake got home I handed it to him, and his excitement just about matched mine! We were thrilled we were going to be parents!
My pregnancy was just like any other normal pregnancy to begin with. I had morning sickness through out the 1st trimester. Our baby was growing well, and at 20 weeks we found out we were having a baby BOY! In the early morning of October 29th 2014, I prematurely gave birth to our sweet baby boy. I was 25 weeks and 1 day. If you want to read about that story you can read my blog post "My Sweet Baby Huck". Just the people closest to me know why I went into premature labor. It has been relatively hard for me to talk about. After some blood work was done on Huck, they found he had a high white blood cell count. He was born with an infection. My placenta had contracted an infection giving it to my baby and causing me to give birth prematurely. I remember that first night after giving birth to Huck, the guilt hit me at two o'clock in the morning. It was me, it was my placenta. I couldn't stop sobbing. I had such a deep ache, the pain was almost too much to handle. It wasn't known for awhile why my placenta got the infection. I was given a few possibilities as to how it could have happened, but it always ended with the statement "Sometimes these things just happen." I would get angry every time someone would say those words to me. No! These things can not just happen! I became pregnant with our second baby a little over 2 years later. Again, we were excited and it was another baby BOY! I was considered a high risk pregnancy due to how my last pregnancy ended. I went to an OB who had experience with high risk pregnancies, and I also saw a high risk specialist. My second pregnancy was different from my first in that I was closely monitored to try and prevent a preterm baby again. At 18 weeks I had an appointment with the high risk specialist. He asked me about Huck's birth story and from that he guessed that my cervix had opened prematurely, possibly causing the infection. So from there they started me on a weekly progesterone shot to try and keep my cervix closed. The added hormone every week was a struggle to deal with and get used to. It seemed to be doing its job up until 26 weeks. I went in for my weekly ultrasound where they would measure my cervix to make sure they weren't shortened or funneling(opening from the inside out), and they found that there was funneling. I was sent down to labor and delivery to be monitored. What would you know, I was contracting every two minutes and didn't even know it. They called it silent dilating. The contractions just felt like pressure or something similar to the baby stretching. When they told me I was contracting and had an irritable uterus, I didn't believe them. Aren't contractions supposed to hurt? Maybe it was just braxton hicks. My doctor informed me that if the peak of the tightening lasted 10 seconds or longer it was considered a contraction. On the monitor the little 'hills' were lasting about 10 seconds. I was contracting. I was admitted to the hospital that night. I was put on an IV drip and started on what they so lovingly called 'Mag'. Magnesium sulfate is a soft muscle relaxer and helped my uterus to stop contracting. I was given a steroid shot to help his lungs develop. They also started me on Procardia which is a pill that is a soft muscle relaxer as well, and that I would eventually go home on. I stayed the rest of the weekend in the hospital to finish the 34 hours on the Mag drip and to be monitored to make sure I wasn't going to have my baby. That was a weekend from hell. The roller coaster of emotions that came flooding back. The guilt that stung so deep. The side affects of having so many drugs in my body. And the pure terror that I could possibly have my baby premature again.
I was sent home on moderate bed rest, meaning I could still get up and do a few things just nothing that required me to use my core. Which meant not picking up my little boy anymore. That was a tough adjustment for the both of us. While at home on bed rest and on the Procardia, I continued to have a contraction every few hours. On the days where I stayed laying down ALL DAY LONG were the days I would have hardly any contractions. It was hard trying to still be a mom and housewife and not go into labor. The guilt of not being able to help my little boy like I would like to, because I had to stay down for my baby boy inside of me was definitely a confusing and hard emotion to work through. At 29 weeks I had cut the tip of my finger off, and because of the adrenaline running through my body I started to contract every 10-15 mins sending me to the hospital. I was monitored for a while, bandaged up and once the contractions went away I was sent home. My due date was January 20th, and the week of Thanksgiving I had started dilating. I was put on strict bed rest. As I got bigger and farther along the contractions slowly became closer together and depending on the day I would contract every 30 mins to a hour. At 34 weeks I went into premature labor again. I was rushed to the hospital and the labor was stopped. At this point in my pregnancy I was DONE. Words can not even begin to describe how done I was with being pregnant. Every day, every contraction I would think "Is this it? Am I going into labor?" It was exhausting, both emotionally and physically to go through that day in and day out for weeks. There were times I would get a contraction and pray for it to be the real deal, because I so badly wanted it all to be over, and then immediately I would get overcome with guilt for feeling or even thinking something like that. Of course I didn't want my baby to come prematurely and have to spend time in the NICU. The guilt was deep and raw and ate at me everyday. Why couldn't my body create a nice cozy home for my babies to get big and strong in? Instead Rodney got 'hugged' every hour and had the threat of coming prematurely, and Huck had no choice but to be born prematurely. It was like a cloud looming overhead, something I couldn't get rid of. There were days I didn't know how I was going to make it through the day. How could I possibly handle another contraction? Another guilt trip from not having a clean house and dinner ready for my husband? Not being the mommy I wanted to be for my little boy. I was told so many times it wasn't my fault, and the logical side of me got it, but my mommy heart just had a hard time accepting the fact that I couldn't hold my babies inside of me without struggle. It is something that I'm still having a hard time accepting to this day.
Reading other mom's stories similar to mine has helped it feel like the cloud is going away and I'm not alone in feeling and struggling in this way. I'm so unbelievably grateful for modern medicine. In the past 10 years NICU/ Premature labor care has advanced and come so far. This makes me feel lucky to be living in the era that I do. I look at my healthy baby boys and can't imagine life without them. It was a struggle getting to where we are now, but looking back I would do it again in a heart beat. I love my boys so much! In the moment, going through the NICU and then a high risk pregnancy felt like life was always going to be that way. It was hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Now, my two little boys are my light. I want to let any momma out there going through a tough time know that it does get better. It might take months, maybe even years, but I promise you, you will find your light.
